Dear TDC, I asked you nicely to stop pooping in my flower beds. I’ve given you a year+ to cease and desist, and yet. . . I’m writing you to let you know that the next time you visit your toilet, AKA my yard, you will find chicken wire beneath the newly placed mulch. I’ve […]
Category Archives: Open Letters (Fun)
Dear people who moved away, Boy, am I glad you’re gone. For years I watched you hand feed squirrels on the fence we shared. For years I had to instill a deathly fear of squirrels in my petless toddler children who thought these squirrels were so cute. My kids became preschoolers who became gradeschoolers while […]
Dear Gods of Powerball: I’m so sorry! I was busy working, then I had to do Friday folders on Wednesday at lunch because there is no school the rest of the week, THEN I worked the book fair at school. I was so busy helping out today that I did not buy my Powerball ticket, […]
Dear Gods of Powerball: We’ve not met. I’ve not bought your tickets, but I am writing you with a proposition. Let’s say, tomorrow I buy a Powerball ticket and get a Big Gulp for kicks. Let’s say you let me win with said ticket and I get Seventy-Five Million dollars cash. You might wonder, Gods […]
Dear Mr. Woodpecker, In an effort to know my enemy, I’ve learned that you can live from 4-11 years and some types of you are endangered (I can understand why you are endangered). As a child, I liked your cousin Woody, but I was not then a homeowner. You’ve been harassing my chimney siding for […]
Dear Cottonelle: Please stop improving yourself. You’re as good as you ever need to be. Thank you.
Dear Dav Pilkey: I like you, I really like you, even though you spell your first name without an “e” and even though your characters in the Captain Underpants series are terribly obnoxious. I like you because for the past three years my son, now eight, has been an avid reader. But I’ve got a […]
Dear Multi-colored Festive LEDs, It is May. That’s it, it’s the month of May. Happy MEMORIAL Day, Your neighbor in the blue house
Dear Devious Denim Garment, With all due respect, I realize that you are, by virtue of age alone, vintage wear. I remember your kind from the trailer park circa 1981 when Aggie’s boyfriend Garth wore a pair just like you with his long striped tube socks and vans as he made out with Aggie on […]
Dear Dogs, Firstly, I want to address the pink nosed Golden, you are sweet, and I like how you greet me through the fence hole with your smiling face and signature pink nose. Thanks for being friendlier than that Pomeranian on the other side of my yard. I do not hold you responsible for the […]
