An Open Letter to My Neighbor’s Retrievers

Dear Dogs,

Firstly, I want to address the pink nosed Golden, you are sweet, and I like how you greet me through the fence hole with your smiling face and signature pink nose.  Thanks for being friendlier than that Pomeranian on the other side of my yard.  I do not hold you responsible for the chastisement I am about to meet out to your yard mate.

But you, Yellow Lab, why, why, why does my presence excite you so greatly? Why, rather than inciting your bark, do you see me and instantly mount the pink nosed pup?  Truly, I am not a prude.  I understand the urge to procreate.  What I don’t understand is why I, in my filthy painting/gardening pants, dirty shirt, and floppy hat, am routinely mistaken for a doggy porn director shouting, “Action.”

I need no more of your action.  Please, dear dog, save your performance for the neighbors on the other side of your yard.  They have a dog of their own who might enjoy the free show.  While your friendly pants and tail wagging are welcome, the “show” has grown tired.  Move it along, get a room, etc. etc.

Most kindly,

Your neighbor in the blue house

P.S. If you see the cat that’s been crapping in my yard please give him a good bark.

P.P.S.  A growl and a nip for the raccoon and woodpecker teaming up on my chimney siding is also appreciated.  I know you can see them from there – if you’re not too busy gettin’ busy, that is.  Thanks!


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