Dear Cottonelle: Please stop improving yourself. You’re as good as you ever need to be. Thank you.
Dear Dav Pilkey: I like you, I really like you, even though you spell your first name without an “e” and even though your characters in the Captain Underpants series are terribly obnoxious. I like you because for the past three years my son, now eight, has been an avid reader. But I’ve got a gripe or two. First, what’s up with only writing six Ricky Ricotta books? I can forgive you Pluto, but you’re missing two whole real planets. After giving me his own personal inquisition about why you’ve… Read more An Open Letter to Dav Pilkey →
If you are a recent acquisition in the Amanda Adams department of friends, be warned, I still have yearly girls’ weekends with a friend from KINDERGARTEN and others from fifth grade. McDonalds coworkers from 20 years ago – Check, and high school friends – check and check. You just can’t shake me, I’m loyal like that, and my Christmas Card list proves it. So, out of both loyalty to my high school friend Liz who asked me to vote, and out of a strong belief that every time we stand… Read more If you stand for nothing, you’ll fall for anything →
Dear Multi-colored Festive LEDs, It is May. That’s it, it’s the month of May. Happy MEMORIAL Day, Your neighbor in the blue house
Dear Devious Denim Garment, With all due respect, I realize that you are, by virtue of age alone, vintage wear. I remember your kind from the trailer park circa 1981 when Aggie’s boyfriend Garth wore a pair just like you with his long striped tube socks and Vans checkered shoes. Not a pretty sight as he made out with Aggie on the hood of his black and lime green Trans Am. Your lifelong owner was likely a teenage boy back when he first bought you as full length pants. Time… Read more An Open Letter to My Neighbor’s Short Shorts →
Dear Dogs, Firstly, I want to address the pink nosed Golden, you are sweet, and I like how you greet me through the fence hole with your smiling face and signature pink nose. Thanks for being friendlier than that Pomeranian on the other side of my yard. I do not hold you responsible for the chastisement I am about to meet out to your yard mate. But you, Yellow Lab, why, why, why does my presence excite you so greatly? Why, rather than inciting your bark, do you see me… Read more An Open Letter to My Neighbor’s Retrievers →
Dear Feisty Feline Friend, First, let me say how much my family and I appreciate how quickly you dispatched that mouse that fell in my window well back in September. You’re our own personal Seal Team Six, and we invite you to dine in our backyard on any pigeons, mice, or squirrels you like, but please take your leftovers home with you. I’m writing you today, my rotund friend, to ask that you discontinue using my flower beds as a toilet. Today, as I planted marigolds and snapdragons, I happened… Read more An Open Letter to My Neighbor’s Cat →
My son turned eight today. He doesn’t understand why we’ve not enabled internet or You Tube on his ipod now that he is “a whole year older.” I noticed that… Read more Out of the Mouths of Babes →