An Open Letter to the Woodpecker on My Roof
Dear Mr. Woodpecker,
In an effort to know my enemy, I’ve learned that you can live from 4-11 years and some types of you are endangered (I can understand why you are endangered). As a child, I liked your cousin Woody, but I was not then a homeowner.
You’ve been harassing my chimney siding for nearly seven years. So your time, my feathered foe, is certainly running out. I don’t know what makes the composite wood siding on my house so appealing, but when you alight upon my roof and echo into my fireplace, I want to endanger you good. I’ve fought off the pigeons with Slinkies, nails, and foil, but you, stalwart menace, will not flee.
If I must, I will buy a tacky plastic owl and screw it to the side of my house, if I must, but I beg of you – go tap, tap, tap on another building. Surely, there must be another structure more worthy of your attention. If you will not leave me in peace, I’ll just have to wait four more years, sooner or later you’ll die – right?
The Lady in the
Buffet Blue House